


The Washington Post's Perfect Family

by aserenitatum



Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: F/M, headcanon fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 13:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13191426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aserenitatum/pseuds/aserenitatum
Summary: Everybody thinks that Amy and Dan would be terrible parents, but what if they weren't? What if they were actually really good parents?





	The Washington Post's Perfect Family

**Author's Note:**

> this started out as a simple list of headcanons and then spiralled out of control. Enjoy.

Everybody thinks that Amy and Dan would be  _terrible_  parents, but like, what if they weren't? 

They're competitive as fuck and they've seen what neglect and bad parenting can do to a kid and neither of them wants a Catherine 2.0 and Dan starts sprouting some shit about their kid being superior to others with great genes and having awesome parents and Amy just rolls her eyes because what the holy hell Dan. 

Amy doesn't really get into the whole baby idea because she has to actually carry the child but the pregnancy is pretty smooth. Dan reads way too many baby books and is constantly feeding her. One day she snaps and yells at him about it and the shit he is, he tells her that he doesn't want any other man to come scoop her up with all her glowing body and baby on the way-ness. 

He apologises for it by leaving her an _expensive_ ring from Tiffany's with a note saying he's up for marriage if she is.  She goes through all the effort of tying a ribbon around the tiny box so that it doesn't accidentally spring open when she fucking chucks it at his head the next time she sees him.  

They're sleeping together because hey, why not, it's already done, and her hormones are fucking insane and driving her insane and she knows it's the hormones because she'd otherwise never fuck Dan as much as she has in the last couple of months (what a lie).  

Dan takes to the pregnancy immediately, being a wild combination of asshole and caring and it keeps her on her toes. He's constantly buying her snacks and he pays for all the medical bills and one day she comes home (home, to his place and they're gonna need to figure out this living situation sooner rather than later) and he's gone out and bought a rocking chair. He's a dick about it when she confronts him but then he says "the books say it'll help with your back pain" and fuck him because a week later she has to admit that he was right.  

Leon (the fucking creep) makes a joke about how big she's gotten and Dan has to physically stand in front of Amy because he's not 100% sure she won't absolutely murder the guy. She'd get away with it, too. 

She scares staffers and interns with her presence, the sheer passion of determination coming off her in waves and she gets so much shit done she sets a mental reminder to thank her baby for making her seem so intense.  

She starts having contractions and she doesn't tell him and he swears they're gonna have a talk about this but they never do. It's 10am and they're at a brunch event and she's wincing, hand pressed against her belly and it's as if she's frozen for half a minute. He catches it because he's always watching her but he doesn't say anything, only looks at his watch and waits.  The next one is only three minutes after the first one and she's clenching her jaw so tightly he's afraid she'll get lockjaw from it. She immediately gulps down all the water in her glass and by the time she's done, he's standing by her side.  

"Let's go," he commands.  

"I have work to do," she says, looking at her phone and shrugging him off. 

"I will go over there and tell Selina you're in labor if I have to," Dan threatens and oh yeah, that's another thing: Selina is so keen on this baby. Amy had told her expecting to be fired but instead, Selina had become ecstatic at the news, immediately mumbling about how great it would be for the campaign.  

Amy is stubborn, but she's not stupid, so she reluctantly, and with great trouble, gets up from her chair and follows Dan.  Ben and Kent are standing near the exit they have to go through, and all Dan says is "I'm taking my fiancée to the hospital." 

"I never agreed to marry you," Amy protests, but then Dan is nudging her towards one of Selina's black motorcade cars.  

"We can't," she starts, but he interrupts her.  

"Oh yes, we absolutely can. This is part of the plan." 

"Plan?”  

"The team has an 'Amy is going into labor' action plan." 

"I fucking hate you all." 

When the doctor asks her how long she's been having contractions, she says two days and Dan almost loses it.  

Amy gives birth to a healthy baby boy and Dan is happy and Amy is happy and she's finally _all in_.  

They name him Lucas and it's Amy's decision to give him the surname Egan and she lets Dan take a fucking terrible picture of her holding their _son_  and whatthefuck they have a son together now.  

For being in a stressful environment, Lucas is the _most chill baby ever_. You know, the kind of baby you can take anywhere and doesn't fuss unless he needs something and falls asleep when he's tired and it makes their lives so much easier.  

Again, Amy has to agree with Dan and his whole "our genes combined are superior" because their baby is really fucking adorable.  

Dan embraces his dad role and has even said the words "daddy Egan" and she's so happy that the nausea is gone because had he said that when she was still pregnant she would have puked on him for violating her ears with those words.  

Lucas is six months old when they start going on the campaign trail and it's exhausting, honestly, taking care of a baby and running Selina's campaign but between the two of them and a nanny, they make it work.  Sometimes Amy will boss people around with Lucas perched peacefully on her hip and honestly it is such a Look™ and Dan cannot handle it.  

When he's about 8 months old, one day Lucas suddenly says "mama" and doesn't stop. Like, his whole vocabulary is "mamamamamama" and Dan thinks it's fucking awesome. Their kid becomes a chatterbox and they have full conversations when all Lucas contributes is "mama" in different intonations. It melts Amy's heart and she didn't think her heart could do any more melting.  

Oh, and then Lucas starts saying "papa" and Dan, as is now habit, loses it.  

He loves being with his kid and Lucas is so chill that sometimes Dan will take the baby with him to meetings, especially when he thinks the charm of his son will coax somebody into doing something Dan wants.  Amy rolls her eyes when he takes Lucas from her lap and announces that he's off to talk to junior congresswoman Peterson, but she doesn't protest and she has to admit that it gets the job done.  

Amy has trouble winding down at the end of the day, until they establish a routine (how fucking ironic, Dan thinks, that his kid doesn't need a routine but his fiancée does). Nobody disturbs Amy when she's got Lucas cradled against her, even less so when he's asleep with his head buried in her neck, so Dan will place his baby in Amy's arms when he sees her getting tired and because nobody disturbs her, she falls asleep much easier.  

It's game over to their relaxed parenting style when Lucas starts to walk.  

Amy has a fucking heart attack one day after he disappears for a couple of minutes. He had been peacefully playing with a puzzle on the floor and when she glanced at him again, he was gone. She cannot let Dan find out she lost their kid because they have a tally now.  It's titled "parental fuck-ups" and they are neck and neck but surely losing your baby will count as double points and he will ridicule her to no end so she hastily gets up and walks out of her office.  

Lucas has made it all the way across the open area office full of volunteers and plopped down at Sue's feet.  Amy breathes a sigh of relief when she sees him patting at Sue's shiny red shoes and the woman raises an eyebrow at Amy.  He has a tendency to pat things. Dan says it's because he doesn't have fine motor skills yet, but Amy noticed that he just likes touching things and boy is that gonna be a problem when he gets older.  

Sue spills to Dan about Amy losing Lucas, but a week later Dan accidentally walks into a door and Lucas hits his head during the incident so they're still even. (Lucas cries loudly in angry indignation and squirms away from Dan as soon as he sees Amy, leaning into her already open hands and when Amy takes the boy over, his crying calms to a sniffle but his frown, directed at Dan, doesn't lessen one bit and he frowns at Dan for the rest of the day).  

On the relationship side of things, Dan asks Amy to marry him every time they have sex (which is often) and she'll always mumble 'no' against his lips and it's become another routine of theirs (how fucking boring are they, Amy thinks) 

She throws up on a Tuesday morning and afterwards frowns about it the whole day.  

Dan, Kent, and Ben run into Amy's office that afternoon when she loudly screams a drawn-out "FUCK!"  

Her eyes are closed and she's slumped in her chair.  

"Get out," she commands strongly and Ben and Kent leave, but Dan stays because she glares at him in a way that makes him think this might be his fault.  

"What's wrong? Did the press report the—" 

"I'm pregnant." 

And it's not like the first time she told him where he feels his world is closing in on him, but it’s still a shock.  "What the fuck, Amy."  

She'd gotten an IUD after giving birth to Lucas because the doctor had said it's the best protection for her due to the fact that she never took her pill at the same time every day and with Dan's supposed motility issues, an IUD would be the best way to prevent pregnancy (apparently fucking not, Dr. Abernathy!). 

The universe is playing a cruel trick on them because their first baby had been too easy. Amy can sense it. Lucas was too easy of a baby and so the universe said 'haha, here's another'.  Dan's thinking about how they (adults) will no longer be a majority in his house.  

Amy is suspicious because this pregnancy is easier than the first one. She barely throws up and the cravings aren't as bad and the baby isn't waking her up at night with all the kicking.  Dan almost faints when the doctor tells them it's a girl. All Amy thinks is "well, there it is. That's the karmic retribution" because Dan is having a daughter and she would laugh if he didn't look so pale.  

(Actually, she does laugh).  

(The doctor looks very confused). 

Lucas seems to understand (somewhat) that there's a baby on the way. When their daughter (holy jesus just thinking about it makes Dan lightheaded) kicks, Amy holds Lucas' tiny hand against where the baby is kicking and the toddler's face lights up. He takes to cuddling around Amy's steadily growing pregnant belly and talking incoherent words to his baby sister.  

Pregnant Amy just fucking _glows_. With Lucas he thought maybe it was just a one-off but Dan realises he's wrong, she takes to being pregnant so well. He's kind of in love (who is he fucking kidding, he is super in love). 

But the universe is fickle and mean, and this pregnancy is clearly meant to teach Amy and Dan multiple lessons because shit gets scary _fast_. Amy is older now (ha!) and so she's at a way higher risk for a lot of really scary stuff.  

She's 32 weeks pregnant when it all goes to shit.  

Lucas has been on the edge of a cold all week and that combined with the transition period for President-elect Meyer and moving back to DC from New York has been stressful for Amy. Dan keeps telling her to relax, citing a bunch of medical websites saying she shouldn't have high blood pressure.  

Dan gives her a stern glare before leaving her office. He’s got meetings all over the Hill today and she has to figure out staffing for when they move into the White House. These days he’s hesitant to leave her because at the last sonogram the doctor had frowned for half a second before correcting her face and Amy hadn’t caught it but he had.   

He leaves Sue in charge. Not of Amy, of course. He would never. (What a lie).  

He almost has a heart attack when he gets a text from Sue’s phone instructing him to immediately come to Georgetown Hospital. Dan doesn’t even decently end his meeting, he just stumbles over words and he’s sure that somewhere in there are the words ‘emergency’, ‘wife’, ‘hospital’ and ‘pregnant’ but he doesn’t make sure and he’s on the street and his heart is beating out of his chest and it feels really close to the time in London and he cannot have a panic attack right now. He’s contemplating options when he gets another text from Sue.  

_Don’t you dare drive. Get a cab_. 

And really, that makes the decision for him. He hails a cab and throws a $100 bill at the driver and mumbles the name of the hospital and he’s there in 15 minutes.  

Here’s how it happened: Sue checks in on Amy once an hour. Amy pretends not to know what it’s about. Sue always brings either a snack or something for her to drink. They both pretend Dan hasn’t explicitly put Sue in charge of making sure Amy doesn’t die or start having contractions and not tell anybody like last time.  

The third time Sue goes to check on Amy, the blonde is surrounded by three interns and standing in front of a whiteboard. Sue doesn’t bother to figure out what they’re discussing, but she notices Amy wince and sharply press a hand against her back. She makes a mental note to come back in 15 minutes.  

3 minutes later, one of the interns, looking white as a sheet, finds her and tells Sue that Amy collapsed. 

“She was yelling at us and then she just dropped.” 

Sue is already dialling 911 when she rushes over to Amy’s office.  The paramedics whisk Amy away and before running after them, Sue notices the blood on the carpet.  

Amy has a placental abruption and is immediately taken into surgery.  

Harper Egan is born 8 weeks early with lungs that are too small and needs to be kept in an incubator.  

Amy’s body goes into shock from severe blood loss and that combined with hitting her head causes her brain to swell and she slips into a coma.  

Lucas, Dan realises, is still at daycare and Dan’s gonna need to make a call about that.  

Dan freaks the fuck out, as is now the norm.  

Kent and Ben tell him to stay the fuck away from work so he spends all his time between the hospital and home. He doesn’t want to name their baby girl because Amy will get mad at him if he gives their kid a dumb name, but then he’s suddenly hit with the thought that Amy might not wake up and he’s not sure which thought is worse. (He knows which one is worse) (He’d rather get yelled at by Amy for the rest of his life than not have her in it).  

Their baby girl is _so small_  it’s honestly a little scary. She’s in an incubator so he can’t even hold her, but they let him rest his hand against her body (only contact—no stroking because that's stressful for the baby, he's told) and it’s a weird experience. He held Lucas minutes after he was born and all he wants to do is cradle his daughter against him to protect her from the world but he can’t and his wife (WE ARE NOT MARRIED, a distinctly Amy-sounding voice says in his head) might be dying. He has a son at home who won’t stop asking for his mother and his breath is short because what if this is their new normal? 

Mike mentions that he could introduce Lucas to baby girl, and it’s not a bad idea. He prepares Lucas for it, tells him that she doesn’t have a name yet and she’s very small and fragile and he has to be careful and they’re going to a hospital and when Lucas gets to the hospital he’s so good about it that Dan wants to cry. Lucas stands on a chair in a hospital gown that is way too big for him, the sleeves scrunched up his little arms, and the nurse washes his hands and tells him he's such a brave big brother and so his confidence is sky high and afterwards he carefully sticks his hand in the incubator and holds hands with his baby sister (the first of many, many times) and he fucking lights up at the sight and feel of her.  

He’s only allowed to stay for 30 minutes because he’s still young but Lucas asks (begs) to come back the next day. Before going home he swings by Amy’s room. He hasn’t told Lucas about it, only told him that she’s away for a bit, so he asks the nurses if they can watch him for a couple of minutes while he says goodbye to his wife ( _NOT EVEN YOUR FIANCÉE, DAN!_ ). 

He remembers thinking how much she had glowed during her pregnancy, and it feels like lightyears ago, because she doesn’t glow now. Her skin is pale and she looks even tinier than she usually does in the hospital bed.  

“You’re not allowed to die on me, Brookheimer,” he says strongly. “You can’t leave me or our kids. There’s two of them now. I’d be outnumbered.” 

He kisses her forehead and leaves.  

Amy wakes up three days later and Dan rushes to the hospital with Lucas. The boy is confused when his mother cuddles him tightly and cries when Dan tells her what happened.  

She’s hospitalised for another week.  

They pick a name for the baby.  

It’s funny because Lucas, cuddled up to his mother in her hospital bed, can’t pronounce the name Harper.  

Amy is still too weak to do it, so the first day they take Harper out of the incubator, _he_  gets to do a kangaroo cradle. (what kind of fucking name?) They make him take off his shirt and they strip Harper down to just her diaper and place the infant on Dan’s chest, then they wrap blankets around the two.  

He freaks out a little because she’s so small but the nurse tells him he has to stay calm and let her feel his regular heartbeat so he holds it together (for now) (for her).  

Amy and Harper have been home for 5 weeks when they finally have the fight. (THE FIGHT) It’s been brewing for three years now so really, it was a long time coming. 

They’re tired and already bickering and then Amy says something offhand and Dan loses it. (There’s a pattern here).  

“I’m so fucking mad at you,” he grits through clenched teeth when they’re full-blown yelling at each other.  

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Dan? I didn’t fucking want to die!” 

“Didn’t you?” 

She reels back from the emotion and anger in his voice and from the bold accusation. 

“Before Lucas was born, you had contractions for two days and didn’t fucking tell me!” 

“That was three fucking years ago, for fuck's sake Dan.” 

“You don’t fucking take care of yourself, Amy! Do you have any goddamn idea—“ He has to stop because his voice cracks, and Amy almost deflates because he is genuinely upset. He’s not doing this for the fight or to annoy her or goad her into a fight.  

“You almost died,” he says strongly, and Amy sees the anger in his eyes, it’s simmering under his skin. “You were supposed to take it easy and you didn’t and you put our daughter at risk.” 

Amy burns with indignation, because she gets that he’s upset but she would never, _ever_ , intentionally cause risk or harm to Harper. (she also burns because she knows he’s right and fuck if that isn’t worse).  

“I already feel like shit about it, Dan. I never wanted this to happen and I’m sorry I almost killed her!” she yells and while it sounds apologetic, it makes him angrier.  

“YOU almost died, Amy! You are not allowed to die on me!” 

“I’m not your fucking property Dan! You don’t own me.” 

“I can’t live without you! Don’t you fucking get that?!” He’s so angry and she finally gets it. It finally clicks. “I’d have Lucas and I’d have Harper but I wouldn’t have _you_.” 

There are tears in his eyes and whatthefuck is wrong with him. The thought of losing Amy brings tears to his eyes and jesus, that’s fucking scary. 

“I love you, Amy, and you don’t get to die before I do,” he gives strongly.  

She can’t respond to that (doesn’t know how to). He’s never said it to her before. Ever.  

They’re interrupted by Harper crying, and Dan is already walking away from her, throwing an “I’ll go” over his shoulder.  

She stands in the kitchen and waits for him, her thoughts swirling around in her head.  

“I’m sorry,” she says softly when he rejoins her in the kitchen. “I didn’t know I meant that much to you.” She hears the words leave her lips, but they sound all wrong, she _knows_  he cares about her and she’s not sure what makes her say it.  

She expects him to get mad but he doesn’t, he’s just… deflated and resigned. “I ask you to marry me every day.” 

They’re both leaning against the counter, sides pressed against each other and avoiding each other’s eyes.  

“You can’t be unmarried with kids if you want to be President,” she says with a shrug, and it’s so offhand, so casual that he realises it’s an honest-to-God thing she believes in, has believed in for a while, it’s ingrained and he is stunned.  

“I’m not with you because it’ll advance my political career,” he says strongly.  

“Well that’s a first,” she says and she means it as a joke but deep down she knows it isn’t. He knows it too.  

“You gave me an out, Amy. When you told me you were pregnant, I could have walked away. I didn’t.”  

She finally turns to look at him, disbelief written all over her face. As if he would walk away from the biggest ego trip in his life.  

“Do you want me to do some sappy bullshit and tell you how you’re it for me? The whole fucking ‘I wouldn’t have wanted kids or marriage with anybody but you’ shit?” 

“You just did, fuckwad,” she teases and he rolls his eyes, but God it’s nice to see her smile again. “I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry too,” he says and that actually surprises her. “For everything.” 

The next day is a new day. They still fight and bicker like it’s war and they annoy the shit out of each other, but now Amy knows that she means the world to Dan.  

A few weeks after that, they have a night out. It’s a fundraising gala and Amy wears a long dress that’s tight around the middle and shows enough cleavage from above that with his height, it makes Dan a little nervous. He’s got on a tux with a fancy tie and a pocket square and Amy doesn’t swoon but holy shit he looks good.  

He doesn’t notice it until halfway through the night. She’s talking to some of Selina’s new staff and she’s holding a glass of (probably, knowing her) juice in her hand and she turns and the light catches the crystal of the glass. He looks closer and realises that it’s not the crystal of the glass that causes the light to fragment, it’s the sparkling ring on her finger. (She’ll tease him later, about being a fucking amateur, because he can’t control his face when it comes to her and he all but drops his conversation with who-the-fuck-knows to confirm that yes indeed, Amy is wearing an engagement ring on her finger, the one he’d gotten her almost four years ago).  

When they go home, he kisses her deeply, and this time when she’s on the brink of orgasm and he asks her if she will marry him, she says yes.  

Harper likes being held. She likes being pressed up against a warm body and Dan attributes it to her not being held a lot as an infant but there’s only so much he can do while holding her so after a lot of pestering from Amy, he reluctantly goes out and buys one of those baby slings. Amy will not stop teasing him about it, about him being such a fucking _dad_ , but it’s really fucking comfortable and when he works from home, he’ll wear the sling without a shirt and Harper never fusses. Lucas, their easy-going son seems like lightyears ago because with Harper's arrival it's like a switch was flipped because he now has a sister (which is a fancy way of saying captive audience) and makes full use of it.  

Harper learns how to crawl and Lucas is a tornado on two legs, whose life’s mission is to pull every single item from out of the kitchen cupboards and together they’re an unstoppable team of terror.  

Lucas starts pre-K and Amy gets a little teary when he bids them both goodbye at the door and doesn’t look back. Her beautiful baby boy is growing up and she is not fucking ready for it. Harper is walking now and her face is a carbon copy of Amy’s, except her hair is light brown and she has freckles, but she’s all blue eyes, big lips and flappy ears and Dan begrudgingly acknowledges that he’s gonna fucking ruin his daughter because she looks just like Amy and if he can’t resist adult-Amy, how is he gonna resist a tiny toddler who knows just the right way of saying “papa” to have him wrapped around her finger? 

Amy and Dan get married when Lucas is 5 and Harper is 3. It’s a minor disaster. Harper spills apple juice on her dress before they’ve even left the house and Lucas is pouty because he has to wear a purple tie and he’s going through a purple-hating phase. Dan gets called into a firm emergency because Kraft foods are freaking out about their Mac and Cheese stocks and a tiny man approaches Amy about running for Congress (on her wedding day of all days. Ah, she's missed DC) and it’s all hectic, but they make it down the aisle in one piece (they’re not Catholic but his mother is and they couldn’t be bothered to fight her on it). Selina yells “fuckin' finally!” when they kiss and Amy laughs against Dan’s chest.  

Amy and Dan are great parents, even if Dan accidentally kicks a soccer ball straight into Harper’s toddler body and Amy accidentally lets Lucas fall out of the car. Nobody needs to know that.  

The Washington Post publishes a picture of them where Amy has Harper on her hip and Dan is crouched down in front of them to fiddle with Lucas’ shoe and Lucas is smiling up and tugging on the hem of Harper’s summer dress. The Washington Post calls them ‘the perfect family’.  

Nobody needs to know that Amy had to lift Harper away from Lucas because he constantly tried to pull her dress off her shoulder and that Harper had kicked Lucas really hard in the shin and that Dan wasn’t laughing but was extremely frustrated because the fucking velcro on the shoe wouldn’t stick and Amy was laughing at him because his knee had definitely cracked when he knelt down and he had called her a ‘friggin beach’ in retaliation (because they’re trying and failing not to curse in front of the kids).  

Nobody needed to know that Amy had almost died, that Harper was a premature baby, that Lucas was an accidental happy surprise and that Dan had feelings. Because they are great fucking parents and that’s all that matters.  

(and because the Post called them the perfect family fuck yeah) 


End file.
